2011

The beginning of the year was fun and carefree. Chris and I made new friends and had many new adventures. We were living the high life with hardly a care in the world. The last couple months, however, have been some of the hardest of my life. The passing of Chris' Grandpa John at the beginning of this month and the uncertainty of his mother's health have really hit us to our core. Our outlook on life will never be the same, and our priorities are shifting.

I cry every single day. I cry about all the things I miss. I miss seeing Grandpa John's smiling face, and the sweet kiss on the cheek I'd get every time I'd see him. I miss his humor and his quick jokes. Mostly, I just miss his calm energy and his company. I can't begin to express that sadness I feel when we visit Heidi. I miss that twinkle in her eye - the look she'd get the moment she'd see me and Chris arriving to her house. That fleeting moment of happiness and surprise is a look I have internalized. It was a look of unconditional love. I miss hugging her and smelling her hair. I miss her telling me about each of her students and the newest thing added to her house. I want to smell muffins straight out of the oven. I want to eat baked potatoes with her in the living room and watch her newest movie she got from Netflix in the mail. I feel so sad that these moments were taken away so quickly.

Recently, I haven't been crying about the things I'd miss. I cry about the future moments that have been taken away.

When my mom passed away when I was in high school, I would cry because I missed her smile, her laugh, her voice. I missed seeing her in the kitchen cooking us breakfast and I missed when she'd sing in the car. Then, I started to miss the moments I'd never get. She never saw me graduate from high school or college. She didn't get to help me pack up my room when I moved out of my family home. She didn't get to help me pick out my wedding dress. She'll never get to hold any of her grandchildren.

I'm not sad to see 2011 go. My heart is aching and it's going to take a long time for it to heal. I hope I feel more peace in 2012.